Lapta, The Turkish Republic of North Cyprus
I hate doing a bulk thank you but I am overwhelmed at the emails I have received regarding my last post. I didn’t think many people still check this blog but for those who do, thank you, & especially thank you for those who’ve reached out with your words. I hope I wasn’t a total debbie-downer — I just have to face facts that there is a reality to being me. And those who know me know if I am nothing it is up-front & honest so…there ya go.
I do want to say that while depression is certainly not fun, it’s not who I am. After ten years I have come to realize I can not let it define me. I have prayed that the Lord would take it, completely heal me of it & the only reason I can figure he hasn’t is he isn’t done working in me through it. I was reminded this week of the story of Jacob when he wrestled with God all night until daybreak. He wouldn’t give up until he received a blessing so the Lord touched his hip socket, wrenching it & causing him to walk with a limp. But God did give him the blessing he was so desperate for & also a deep appreciation for his life saying, “…I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
I realize that I, too, have wrestled with the Lord on many occasions & on things I had absolutely no right to. And I feel that this affliction — my depression — is God’s thumbprint on my life. A marker that I have been touched by him in a way that will forever remind me of who he is in my life & all that he has done for me. I may walk with a limp for the rest of my days, but I can raise my hands to Heaven that he has performed a miracle in my heart & also spared my life, because there certainly were times I begged him to take it.
And while depression is…dare I say it…depressing, I have come to realize that while life is hard there are deep joys to be had. I can sit & cry & let bitterness root itself in my heart over the many things I feel are not “fair” about this world, or this life that I have been given, or I can believe that God is who he says he is: gracious, loving, merciful, kind, generous, self-sacrificing, pure, only desiring good for us. So that’s what I am choosing to believe. And in that belief it allows him to pour out his blessing on my life & I feel it wash over my heart.
I may also add that this has opened up Pandora’s box for me blogging again. I have no idea what direction this blog will take, if any — it may look like a wild rabbit chase for awhile — but if you’re up for it, please stick around. I know I’ll be here.