Twiggie Makes by Candace Grahl

This is difficult for me to write & even as I do I am heavy-hearted, but also feel a deeper joy growing. It’s very strange, actually.

I have blogged before about how the Lord has taken me on a serious spiritual journey the last few months and the things he has shown has blown me away - I wish I could tell each and every one of you all about this Jesus that I love so much and the fact that I can finally say that. Took me twenty-nine years but I love Jesus! But now that he is bringing me out of the desert and into the promised land I am feeling him asking me to now step out in faith and begin practicing what he has been writing on my heart.

The biggest hurdle I am facing at this point is Him asking me to lay anything & everything before him so we can decide if it’s what he desires for my life. For the first time ever I am happy to do this because I know my heart can not be trusted - that has been made painfully clear. I have chased selfishly & crazily after things that I thought would bring me satisfaction but ultimately it hasn’t. What it has brought me is captivity and an ache for something more, something true, for what I didn’t know was I was chasing an idol image. And like Isaiah says when he talks about those who were making and worshiping the idols, I was gripping it so tightly in my hands that I didn’t even know what I was doing - I didn’t know that what I was holding onto was a lie. He has since shown me that anything I grip to bring me wholeness and satisfaction, that is not him, is a lie. It’s the worst kind of cheater. And suddenly I realize just how many things I was holding fast to that were not him.

One day in particular as I was praying about how to let this go, he very gently asked me to just offer everything to him. To relinquish all control over to him & together we would sort it out. There’s a song that we sing at our church called “All for Jesus” & it’s been one of those songs that I find myself singing without even realizing it. Which is great, because in and of itself it’s a wonderful prayer:

Jesus, all for Jesus
All I am and have, and ever hope to be…
All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into your hands

A short time later I started telling Tim all that the Lord was doing in my heart, but that I was having such difficulty with it. One of the things that he was asking of me was to surrender completely and trust him with my desire for affirmation from my peers, and making a name for myself. I don’t realize how much I do that, how much I genuinely want it and this blog is exactly where I do it the most. I tearfully asked Tim if I was going to be okay if at the end of my life the only thing that Christ ever asked of me was to just be a wife and a mother. Not a successful entreprenuer. Not an acclaimed author. Not the owner of a really cute and fun blog. Just plain old me, a face in a sea of people, but being exactly where Jesus wants me. I know he will give me a greater joy than my heart would ever find chasing these dreams, but my temporal mind wrestles with this and it breaks my heart. Handing my dreams over to Christ is the easy part, but letting him hang onto them indefinitely? And what if he never gives them back? I know that God is good and he can be trusted and if he takes these things away for good it’s only because he desires the best for me. So…how can I argue, really?

I don’t want to ramble…I guess I just wanted to let you know why I will no longer be blogging. Part of me thinks I will go down this road again (because I love it so much and have met some amazing people through it), but the other part of me is excited at how the Lord will work in this area of my heart now that there is more space for him to move around. Thank you so much to those of you who have followed this blog and hopped around from domain name to domain name with me. I would still love to hear from you and this blog will stay put for reference or if you want to get in touch with me.

Many blessings to you,

Candace

Easter was two weeks ago and I’m just now getting to post some pics! We have been very busy, but also someone in our home (not me), who shall remain nameless (not Conner) accidentally dropped my laptop (not Max) and now it’s moving at a snails pace, quite literally. Good news is I get a computer upgrade (woot! woot!); bad news is posting or general surfing on the interweb has become very annoying and virtually impossible. But that’s okay, focus on the positive: New computer! And it wasn’t me who dropped it! (but I still love the person who did)

Okay, Easter. My family gets together for the major holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. Every now and then other holidays will be sprinkled into the mix but those are the constant and while that means a lot of people that also means it’s pretty fun. And because our family is big and because our family is southern, that means if you have no where to be or no where to go on said holiday then you are invited! This is a good thing, makes everyone behave since we have “visitors”. Here are some of my favorites of the day (warning : lots of pictures!)

Max practicing his skillz

When they get older I’m totally going to make them hold hands just like this when they fight

Easter Egg Hunting Time

This boys cheeks kill me!

Handsome big brother

Me and Max

Checkin’ out the goods - his expressions are priceless

Conner’s a hand-talker like his mama

Melting - love these guys

My dad

My brother and his new baby girl, Addison

Time for the four-wheelers - it wouldn’t be a holiday without them

My dad and Max, who wasn’t so sure about the four-wheeler at first but loved just sitting on it

Aunt Gwen’s turn - this is completely hysterical if you know her. She’s a cross between Truvy and Ouiser in Steel Magnolias. Love her!

Nana and Papa on the four-wheeler

Melting, again

It was definitely a long day, so Papa had the right idea!

Hope your Easter was sweet and filled with fun!

So my husband has been on this year-long quest to live as healthy as possible. A major aspect of this endeavor is a very strict diet that eliminates all refined sugar and limits the intake of natural sugar except for fruit. Watching my husband, who before could polish off a whole cheesecake in one sitting, limit his sugar and continue strong made me realize how much sugar I eat every single day. I mean…I am surprised I am not pre-diabetic. Seriously. So I challenged myself to go 30 days without eating any refined sugar. Can I say how much it sucks? Cuz it sucks. Even tho I am eating fruit and a few organic treats with natural sugar, I still crave some pretty unhealthy things. But hubby says the things in life that are worth it are usually the hardest to do. He’s my Confucius, what can I say. So in an ode to all that I’ve sworn off for the next month, I present you with my Top Ten Tuesday list:

Top Ten Sugary Snacks I Dream About

1) Animal crackers & cream cheese frosting If you’ve never had this snack you must try it today. And don’t over-think it - get the basic 2lb Stauffer’s animal crackers from Walmart (for like $1.98), get a can of cream cheese frosting, and let your taste-buds do the talking. So good. And good is quite the understatement. This snack helped me through many all-nighters in college…and all-nighters with the babies.

2) Graham Crackers & cream cheese frosting Another good alternative, especially when you make a cream cheese frosting and graham cracker sandwich. yum. o.

3) A big spoon with cream cheese frosting Sometimes there is no time for scrambling. Grab can. Grab spoon. Go for it.

4) Golden Oreos I would love to say I can stop myself at just a few…or even a row. But sadly I can not. These are one of my favorite and every time I think about cutting out sugar I will say “but what about my golden oreos??” And then when they came out with Double-Stuffed? Forget about it.

5) Fruity Pebbles A throw-back to my childhood. This was before all the studies and reports linked excessive sugar to child-hood obesity. Back then our parents knew it probably wasn’t good for us and we knew it too but we wanted it so we nagged and we begged and we pleaded until that colorful box made it’s way into mom’s shopping cart. One of my favorite after school snacks and still one of my favorite cereals (and ice-cream toppings as well) still.

6) White Chocolate Covered Pretzels Flipz or homemade, this mixes salty and sweet beautifully. When Sam’s started carrying the big box of them, I’m pretty sure I skipped up to checkout with that bad boy and made sure our club membership stayed current. Love these.

7) Pumpkin Pie Blizzard This is a seasonal item at Dairy Queen, which I understand but I also think is a travesty since this blizzard is a.maz.ing. Dairy Queen softserve flavored with pumpkin pie spice blended with chunks of shortbread “crusts”…I’m salivating. Truly. So if you haven’t tried it you must!! So get your calendar. Flip to the month of October. Write in really big letter “GET PUMPKIN PIE BLIZZARD!!” & then stamp “URGENT!” underneath. *nodding* you’ll thank me later.

8) Rice Krispie Treats Who doesn’t love them, really??

9) PopTarts Breakfast, Second Breakfast, Lunch, Snack, Dinner, Night Cap - there is always a good time for a poptart. Lumme some poptarts - I even made a pie showcasing it. Frosted strawberry is my favorite, apple cinnamon a close second.

10) Vanilla cupcakes with Buttercream Frosting Easy-peasy. I have yet to be faced with these while I’ve started my journey but I know if I do I will walk away either sobbing silently to myself or shaking from the desire to pound a few dozen. oh. mama.

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.” Matthew 13:44

Today at our church, one of our speakers introduced a passage of scripture I had never read before. I’m finding that the more I study scripture and get comfortable doing so (it’s really hard for me. I’m not dumb, I just have a lot of trouble with reading comprehension), the passages I grew up reading (and reading and reading and reading) have lost their meaning, so to speak. So when my eyes fall on a new passage and one that seems to leap from the page, smack me in the face and then dive straight into my heart, I am truly delighted. Truly.

The passage came from Revelation 2: 4-7 and the question that was presented in this passage was “Why have you turned from your first love?” And then followed up with an even more bold “…remember how far He has brought you.” The speaker led us through a couple exercises as we mediated on this passage and when he asked us to spend a few moments remembering when we accepted Christ into our hearts, it began to hit home. He asked us to remember what that felt like. Remember the burden that had been lifted. Remember what we did after we accepted him. My eyes were shut so tightly but the images, the feelings, even the sounds of that time in my life kept coming. A sick feeling resided in my gut as I realized how much I had forgotten. How much I had and continue to take for granted. How much I had forsaken.

The truth is I do love Jesus. With everything I am and everything I have. Or at least, I want to love him with everything. I want Jesus to be my treasure in a field. I want to forsake everything else and in joy, not because I have to but because I get to, sell everything I have to buy it. I am in this season of my life where the Lord is calling me to die to myself over and over and the more he asks the more I want to stomp my foot and shout “Enough! Enough already!” I want to start my business (did I ever tell you I started a business. It’s so great…I hope to share it with you soon), I want to simplify my life so I have more time to myself to persue personal things, I want organize and compartmentalize my life so things will be easier. I want to do all these things for me, not because I am entirely selfish but because I don’t know what it’s like to be self-less. And the Lord is graciously teaching me how to be that way and gently asking me to lay those things down and return to him. Life has gotten so busy and couple that with the ways I have been broken and bruised along the way and I begin to realize that I have forsaken my first love.

I don’t know what to do at this point except keep asking him to increase my joy, to continue bringing me back to his side. The best part of this deal is there is no condemnation. I return to him and let him gently heal the places that sin has torn. I can not guarantee that I will never forsake him again, but all I know right now is I want Jesus. I want him to be my treasure so badly, no matter the cost. I want Jesus and I want to go get him in joy. It’s just some days I don’t know how.

My mother in law was in town this weekend to help out with the monkies while hubby was away. This meant a little more free time to myself and I got to tackle not only my inbox but also my feed reader (which I knocked out completely on Sunday, went back to check on it today and am yet again waaaaaaay behind. Blergh.) But while sifting through literally hundreds of updated feeds I found some little gems along the way that made my back straighten and my eyes perk up just a little bit more. So here ya go: Top Ten Pretty-To-Me Links.

1) Vintage Paper Parade I just love this etsy shop. Super simple but super cute stationery - I can not narrow down which is my favorite, love it all! (and Pepper Design Blog is doing a giveaway so head on over to score some adorable and f-r-e-e goods)

2) Red & Teal Wedding While perusing the archives of one of my favorite photography blogs, I found this little gem and it blew me away. I would love to say I have the cahoonah’s to do such a bright color scheme for my wedding but isn’t it gorgeous?! And the cake, did you see the cake? OhMyGoshIJustLoveIt. LOVE. IT. *swoon* *drool* *sigh*

3) Best Easter Baskets Easter is one of my favorite holidays but sometimes the “cutesyness” of it overwhelms me. However, I am always a sucker for a beautifully designed and executed Easter basket. My favorite? The dyed Easter basket. So incredibly simple but so lovely.

4) Beautiful Cherry Blossom Cookies Aren’t these cookies amazing?? I don’t think I could bring myself to eat one! Wait, who are we kidding - of course I could. But I would take tons of pictures first.

5) DIY Ruffles and Lace Tank Top Sewing can be such a fussy process, one that irritates and bores me but I think I will blow the dust off of my sewing machine to make one of these - pink puffy *heart* this.

6) Only the best cake ever Today. (cuz we all know I will change my mind when I find another one tomorrow) but still, so stunning (Brandi, I think you should have this cake for Bug’s 2nd birthday party. Just a thought *wink*).

7) Macaron pops Love me some macarons. Love me some lolli’s. Love me some Bakerella.

8) Shauna Younge I am a huge Amy Atlas fan and love seeing what her genius-mind comes up with but I found another pro in the dessert bar field and I can’t get enough of her stuff either! Her “LOVE” dessert table knocked my socks off - so sweet and I am totally digging the silhouette’s.

9) Pentunia Pickle Bottom Cosmopolitan Carryall I mean, the name is just fabulous on it’s own (Petunia…so lovely). But then the description makes my eyelids flutter “Sapphire blue and Ocean Mist vintage inspired floral European cut velvet with coordinating sapphire blue wool tweed and sapphire blue water resistant lining” What does it all mean? I don’t care. All I know is she takes my breath away.

10) Simple yet Adorable Cuppie Today kicked my butt, especially between the hours of 3pm to 7pm, so to stumble upon this little gem really brought a sense of peace and tranquility to my mind. Is it weird that food does that? No? Good. A little yummy topped with sweetness on a backdrop of happiness. I know it’s weird but I’m 10% auditory, 90% visual so it just happens that way. But man, isn’t it a beauty.

Hubby went out of town this past weekend to Austin, TX to attend SXSW. Seeing that he and his crazy diet were going with him, I decided to break out one of my favorite (and super duper easy!!) breakfast recipes, chocked full of processed, buttered and sugary goodness to cook up for us to enjoy. This is one of those recipes that makes the words “comfort food” come to my mind. I remember my mom making this for us on Sunday mornings before we went to church. It is so amazingly delicious and smells just as good when it is baking that it would quite literally wake us from our Sunday morning sleeping. When I tweeted that I was going to devour my weight in monkey bread I received three twitter responses of “What is monkey bread?” and I just about fainted. Only because I am so sad that these women have lived for so many years without ever tasting it. And actually, you might have had it as a child only called it something else. I can not for the life of me understand why they call it monkey bread, but whatever I don’t care. It is so good. And I drop my voice as low as I can when I say gooooooooood. So here it is, my beloveds: the monkey bread recipe.

Monkey Bread

3 cans of refrigerated biscuits (regular size - we get the 4-pack)
3/4 cup sugar
1-1/2 tbsp cinnamon
1/4 cup butter, melted
2 cups confectionery sugar
1 to 3 tbsp water

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and grease a 9″ or 10″ bundt pan (or tube pan, as some call them, altho I like calling it a bundt pan mainly because I love the scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding where the grooms mom brings the bundt cake to the family dinner and the mother of the bride can not pronounce “bundt” but then turns to her family, totally confused and says “This cake has a hole in it.” *snort*). Pour the sugar and cinnamon in a ziplock freezer bag, seal the bag and then mix it together until evenly combined. Quarter the refrigerated biscuits, pull them a part…

…and then place in the bag with the cinnamon-sugar.

Seal the bag tightly (and make extra sure it is closed or else you will have a big ol’ mess on your hands. and you can trust me on that one.) and then toss the bag around in your hands to make sure all that dough gets coated in the cinnamon-sugar mixture.

Take the cinnamon-sugar coated dough chunks and place them evenly around the greased bundt pan.

Combine the melted butter and the remainder of the cinnamon-sugar mix and drizzle on top of the dough. Place in the oven, bake 30-35 minutes. Once done, remove from the oven and let cool for 5-10 minutes. Invert onto a plate or cake stand. In a small-medium sized bowl combine the confectionery sugar and water, adding a tablespoon at a time and whisk until all lumps are gone and icing consistency is achieved (in between runny and sludgy. or sludgey. is that even a word?). Drizzle on top of warm monkey bread.

Pull a part and be ready to eat so much you will make yourself sick. But in one of the best ways possible!

*You could also add raisins or nuts before you put it in the oven, if you so desire.

Since I am swearing off refined sugar for a month *gulp* I thought what better week to do a Flickr Friday showcasing my favorite sweet treat: cupcakes and frosting. Especially buttercream frosting. Lots and lots and lots of buttercream…so beautifully delicious.

1. Cupcake Pops, 2. Colorful Engagement Cupcake Samples, 3. pink cupcakes, 4. Marie Antoinette cupcakes, 5. Strawberry Cupcakes, 6. what’s for dessert? // vegan mint oreo cupcakes, 7. Bright Flowers 21st Cupcakes, 8. Pretty pink cupcakes, 9. Easter Cupcakes & Minis, 10. Pink & Blue Vanilla Cupcakes, 11. Baileys flavour white cupcake, 12. rose cupcakes, 13. cupcake, 14. cupcakes, 15. green tea cupcakes, 16. red owl and bird cupcake box

“To come to the pleasure you have not you must go by a way in which you enjoy not.” St. John of the Cross

*First, a word. This post is not what you’ll typically read here. I’m known for being brutally honest, not only to others but about myself and my struggles and I don’t want to limit that here, even tho this is incredibly nerve wracking. The truth is I feel an obligation to share part of my painful journey for no other reason than to light a candle in the darkness and extend it’s light to anyone who needs it. I’ve decided to split the posts up into parts for easier reading and also so I can gauge how much is appropriate to share at one time. Please say what you must, but be gentle in your words.*

So I mentioned in a post last week about how I’ve been having a rough time battling my depression, yet again. For those of you who have never struggled with this, one thing to know is it’s cyclical nature, coming on for months or even years at a time, vanishing briefly only to return again. You never come out of it thinking you’re glad that’s over because you’ll find yourself there again very quickly. For someone who knows what it’s like, you can nod your head in agreement as I describe it as torture. And not like bamboo shoots under your fingernails torture, fast and excruciatingly painful, but more like chinese water torture - it starts out manageable, but then before you know it each little droplet, each little part of life becomes too painful to bear. I think the worst part is not when you’re plummeting to it’s depths or stuck right smack dab in the middle of it, but at the beginning when you feel it coming like the helpless victim tied to the train track in one of those silent movies. And as the train comes rushing forth you squirm and you scream and you try with every ounce of life in you to make it stop but it just keeps coming and inevitably strikes and brings complete destruction.

Last January I was graduated from counseling. That was such a huge moment for me since it was the first time in my adult life I felt confident enough that not only had I dealt with a majority of my problems, but I could face them head-on if they decided to return. In addition to counseling the Lord had also done some extensive healing in my life. It blows my mind when I look back at how he took the pieces of my broken existence and made them not only whole again, but functional. He removed my chains and led me out of my Egypt, never to be enslaved to that darkness anymore. I was walking in God’s redemptive freedom and I can not remember when I had ever felt that happy. For eight months I lived in this euphoric mindset and drank in every second. When you finally realize you have been released of a burden you were never intended to bear, the effects are profound. Maybe I should put some testimonials on here of those who were in the trenches with me to attest to how the Lord radically changed my life.

Then around September that nagging feeling began. I felt…off. Something too familiar, something I knew all too well was getting too comfortable in my everyday life. Having tasted freedom and feeling that security slipping from my hands I got so scared and began to run from it. And when I couldn’t run I began to dig and bury and push it down. I would shake my head and mutter in my soul, “No, not again, this can’t be it. It just can’t be. He took it. He told me he did. No. It just can’t be.” With each new day that lost it’s color a little more than the day before I was slipping into that dark abyss that I thought I would never see again.

This time it felt the same and yet so different. There were no feelings of self-deprecation, that was good. There was no self-medicating, no coping mechanism that would cause more destruction than the depression itself, so that was nice. The only word that I can use to describe it in it’s entirety is aloneness. Complete aloneness and desertion. No one knew what I was going through. No one understood. Each person that offered a “hang in there,” or “it’s the wintertime - it’s tough this time of year,” would receive a sympathy nod from me but I would emotionally take a step back because there was yet another person who just couldn’t understand. And then there’s the issue of all of the prayers I cried out to God: “Where are you? Why have you led me back here? I don’t get it! What have I done? ANSWER ME!!!” I felt so alone. It’s one of the most ugly, horrifying feelings. Feeling that no one could hear my words and truly understand the desperation and pain in them. So I pushed it down some more, didn’t give it a voice. Crying out only meant those wails would echo around an empty cavern only to come right back to my mouth to be cried out again and again.

This feeling of being silenced & receiving silence continued for months until two weeks ago I found myself crumpled on my living room floor, alone, crying so heavy I was dry heaving, an ache that went from my gaping and wounded heart to the center of my gut. I couldn’t silence it any longer and I was faced with the painful realization just how deep I am in this.

Here’s the crazy thing tho. After I got it out, after I cried so hard my eyes were so swollen you could only see slits of them, after I called a dear friend just so someone could talk me down from the ledge, I felt like the Lord was satisfied. Not at my neediness. Not at my desperation. Not at the fact that I was out of options and had no where to look but to him. But he was completely and utterly satisfied with my brokenness. And it is not as sadistic as it’s sounds since in that moment for the first time in five long, agonizing and spiritually silent months I felt his peace. Peace. Something I wasn’t sure would ever return to the fullness I had grown so accustomed to. But I welcomed it. I breathed it in. I savored every ounce of it since I didn’t know how long it would last. It would be days later before he spoke to me, very quickly but very profoundly and then close the veil so I would be left alone in my spiritual desert again.

Thanks so much for taking the time to fill out the questions - each one made me laugh or nod my head in agreement at least once. So crazy how we can all be so different & still have much in common! Okay I guess I should take the time to answer my own questions, which was way harder for some of them than coming up with them. So here we go. Top Ten: Getting to know ME!

1) What would you call yourself if you could choose your own name?

I always wanted to be a Megan or Jennifer or Amanda since that’s what all the girls were name & Candace was so different (during a civics discussion of the roots of our names I was the only one who got to stand up & proudly say “Candace was an Ethiopian queen in the book of Acts). True, my mom found it during a bible study & thought it was so pretty. I never really liked it until I got a little older & realized it wasn’t so bad. Besides it’s one the best names for little kids to pronounce: “Kennis! Kennis!” - so cute.

2) What was your worst date?

My first date as a freshman in college with one of the nicest & sweetest guys I’ve ever known, but totally clueless. Started off the date on the wrong foot when I met the girl of the other couple we were double-dating with and before she told me her name she asks smiling & bright-eyed “Do you prefer to be called Candy?” & I choked out “No way, sounds like a hooker.” Hooker was my exact term because I remember the look on her face as I said it since her name was….wait for it….Candace. But she prefers to go by….yeeeaaah. *gulp* Then we went to Applebees & our dates proceeded to tell us the plan for dinner: we order the free-refills chips & dip appetizer to split four-ways. After our incredibly stuffing dinner we headed to a party out in the boonies & drove around for two hours because we were lost. Just me & the hooker, sitting in the backseat, waiting for this night to be over. *Sigh* My boys will hear this story many times of what NOT to do.

3) If you had to teach one subject in high school or college what would it be?

Government or Civics

4) When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?

This happens quite often because I laugh a lot but the last I remember was last week with the boys. Conner has a way of getting Max so wound up & Max has a way of being a total ham. One crazy antic led to another, bodda-bing, bodda-boom mama was in tears. In a good way.

5) What is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you?

Not done but said. A friend, whom I don’t get to visit with often & doesn’t know how many times I struggle to keep my head above water as a wife & mother, told me how blessed my children were to have me. That when the time would come they would rise & call me blessed, like the Proverbs 31 woman. It meant so much to be since I really felt in my heart it was God whispering his hope & promise to me.

6) If money or skill-set was no issue, what would you love to do for a living?

My knee-jerk would be caterer or event planner - shocker, right? - but the truth is I would love to teach high school. But only at a school where I could smack the kids around when they get on my nerves. (What? That’s never allowed? Really? Hmmm…ok, then definitely a caterer.)

7) What is one thing as an adult/parent/spouse you do that you swore you would never do?

I swore I would never get married or have kids. Kind of crapped on that one pretty good!

8) If you could go back to one particular time in your life (not to live, not to change anything, just to visit) when would it be?

Freshman year of college. Loved every minute, every day of it.

9) If your walls could talk, what would they say about you (good & bad)?

That she has good intentions & should probably be medicated

10) If you could fix or put an end to one problem in the world what would it be?

Poverty

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