Twiggie Makes by Candace Grahl

Lapta, The Turkish Republic of North Cyprus

I hate doing a bulk thank you but I am overwhelmed at the emails I have received regarding my last post. I didn’t think many people still check this blog but for those who do, thank you, & especially thank you for those who’ve reached out with your words. I hope I wasn’t a total debbie-downer — I just have to face facts that there is a reality to being me. And those who know me know if I am nothing it is up-front & honest so…there ya go.

I do want to say that while depression is certainly not fun, it’s not who I am. After ten years I have come to realize I can not let it define me. I have prayed that the Lord would take it, completely heal me of it & the only reason I can figure he hasn’t is he isn’t done working in me through it. I was reminded this week of the story of Jacob when he wrestled with God all night until daybreak. He wouldn’t give up until he received a blessing so the Lord touched his hip socket, wrenching it & causing him to walk with a limp. But God did give him the blessing he was so desperate for & also a deep appreciation for his life saying, “…I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

I realize that I, too, have wrestled with the Lord on many occasions & on things I had absolutely no right to. And I feel that this affliction — my depression — is God’s thumbprint on my life. A marker that I have been touched by him in a way that will forever remind me of who he is in my life & all that he has done for me. I may walk with a limp for the rest of my days, but I can raise my hands to Heaven that he has performed a miracle in my heart & also spared my life, because there certainly were times I begged him to take it.

And while depression is…dare I say it…depressing, I have come to realize that while life is hard there are deep joys to be had. I can sit & cry & let bitterness root itself in my heart over the many things I feel are not “fair” about this world, or this life that I have been given, or I can believe that God is who he says he is: gracious, loving, merciful, kind, generous, self-sacrificing, pure, only desiring good for us. So that’s what I am choosing to believe. And in that belief it allows him to pour out his blessing on my life & I feel it wash over my heart.

I may also add that this has opened up Pandora’s box for me blogging again. I have no idea what direction this blog will take, if any — it may look like a wild rabbit chase for awhile — but if you’re up for it, please stick around. I know I’ll be here.

I have missed blogging so much. I tried to tell myself that a) not many people read my words so does it really matter & 2) it eats up way too much of my time, but the truth is there really is something cathartic about blogging - the act of writing something out that has been rolling around in your head for some time, & then to (maybe) have someone reach out & respond to it. The burden is lifted & you can be connected to someone who may just understand what it’s like to be you.

I have struggled with depression for over ten years. When you’re only 29, that’s pretty much your entire life. Or so it feels. For people who have never dealt with this, what I am about to write may be lost on you. And that’s okay. Count yourself lucky - it’s a foe that is almost never invited & always ALWAYS wears out it’s welcome. When I share with people my battle with depression, they’ll tilt their head to the side, eyebrows up while a frown settles into the corner of their mouths & this is when I realize they have no idea what I’m talking about. They’ve never dealt with it, so they can only share empathy. I often find myself wondering what it is like to never have experienced it. I mean really, what IS it like to wake up & never have this fog settle into the depths of your soul?

Yup…even now I can not even imagine.

I have come to realize that in the past my depression would start as a biological issue, & then quickly descend into a circumstantial. Every year about this time it peaks & on those days I find everything to be more difficult. Getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, caring for my children & my home (the latter of these feels suffocating since these are the things that normally bring me intense joy & satisfaction). I used to fight it so desperately but over the years I have learned that when it’s done having it’s way with me, it will leave just as quickly as it came, & I will start picking up the pieces. Waiting it out is really the only thing you can do.

I tried medication once before. It really wasn’t for me. Though with each bout I have learned that to shut God out of it, exclude him only made it worse. Exponentially so. Last year I realized that Jesus was the only reason I was being sustained. The only reason I was getting out of bed. And in the depths of my heart I knew what it meant to love the Lord your God with all your heart, your mind, your soul & your strength. I imagine God giving us this charge because he knew at times loving him with your heart would be easy, but not your mind or your strength. I didn’t feel like I was doing any of that with enough, but with what little I had, that would be my offering. It had to be my offering.

Today, as I trudged through the activities of my morning, I was struck with the reminder that God is pleased with my offering. Just like Gideon, who stood before the angel of the Lord & in his fear & inadequacy put his measly offering onto the altar, and a fire came down from Heaven. God consumed his offering wholly & completely. Today I offer my measly offering to the Lord. With sadness & exhaustion I lay it before Him, & just wait for His fire to come down. Oh how I can not wait to watch it be consumed by my loving, gracious, holy Father. Knowing that the season of harvest will come when I will have a bounty to lay before Him. But for today, my sacrifice no matter how small, battered & broken it is, will be enough for Him.

Thank you, precious Father, for giving me the grace for today. I know it will be sufficient.

This is difficult for me to write & even as I do I am heavy-hearted, but also feel a deeper joy growing. It’s very strange, actually.

I have blogged before about how the Lord has taken me on a serious spiritual journey the last few months and the things he has shown has blown me away - I wish I could tell each and every one of you all about this Jesus that I love so much and the fact that I can finally say that. Took me twenty-nine years but I love Jesus! But now that he is bringing me out of the desert and into the promised land I am feeling him asking me to now step out in faith and begin practicing what he has been writing on my heart.

The biggest hurdle I am facing at this point is Him asking me to lay anything & everything before him so we can decide if it’s what he desires for my life. For the first time ever I am happy to do this because I know my heart can not be trusted - that has been made painfully clear. I have chased selfishly & crazily after things that I thought would bring me satisfaction but ultimately it hasn’t. What it has brought me is captivity and an ache for something more, something true, for what I didn’t know was I was chasing an idol image. And like Isaiah says when he talks about those who were making and worshiping the idols, I was gripping it so tightly in my hands that I didn’t even know what I was doing - I didn’t know that what I was holding onto was a lie. He has since shown me that anything I grip to bring me wholeness and satisfaction, that is not him, is a lie. It’s the worst kind of cheater. And suddenly I realize just how many things I was holding fast to that were not him.

One day in particular as I was praying about how to let this go, he very gently asked me to just offer everything to him. To relinquish all control over to him & together we would sort it out. There’s a song that we sing at our church called “All for Jesus” & it’s been one of those songs that I find myself singing without even realizing it. Which is great, because in and of itself it’s a wonderful prayer:

Jesus, all for Jesus
All I am and have, and ever hope to be…
All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into your hands

A short time later I started telling Tim all that the Lord was doing in my heart, but that I was having such difficulty with it. One of the things that he was asking of me was to surrender completely and trust him with my desire for affirmation from my peers, and making a name for myself. I don’t realize how much I do that, how much I genuinely want it and this blog is exactly where I do it the most. I tearfully asked Tim if I was going to be okay if at the end of my life the only thing that Christ ever asked of me was to just be a wife and a mother. Not a successful entreprenuer. Not an acclaimed author. Not the owner of a really cute and fun blog. Just plain old me, a face in a sea of people, but being exactly where Jesus wants me. I know he will give me a greater joy than my heart would ever find chasing these dreams, but my temporal mind wrestles with this and it breaks my heart. Handing my dreams over to Christ is the easy part, but letting him hang onto them indefinitely? And what if he never gives them back? I know that God is good and he can be trusted and if he takes these things away for good it’s only because he desires the best for me. So…how can I argue, really?

I don’t want to ramble…I guess I just wanted to let you know why I will no longer be blogging. Part of me thinks I will go down this road again (because I love it so much and have met some amazing people through it), but the other part of me is excited at how the Lord will work in this area of my heart now that there is more space for him to move around. Thank you so much to those of you who have followed this blog and hopped around from domain name to domain name with me. I would still love to hear from you and this blog will stay put for reference or if you want to get in touch with me.

Many blessings to you,

Candace

So my husband has been on this year-long quest to live as healthy as possible. A major aspect of this endeavor is a very strict diet that eliminates all refined sugar and limits the intake of natural sugar except for fruit. Watching my husband, who before could polish off a whole cheesecake in one sitting, limit his sugar and continue strong made me realize how much sugar I eat every single day. I mean…I am surprised I am not pre-diabetic. Seriously. So I challenged myself to go 30 days without eating any refined sugar. Can I say how much it sucks? Cuz it sucks. Even tho I am eating fruit and a few organic treats with natural sugar, I still crave some pretty unhealthy things. But hubby says the things in life that are worth it are usually the hardest to do. He’s my Confucius, what can I say. So in an ode to all that I’ve sworn off for the next month, I present you with my Top Ten Tuesday list:

Top Ten Sugary Snacks I Dream About

1) Animal crackers & cream cheese frosting If you’ve never had this snack you must try it today. And don’t over-think it - get the basic 2lb Stauffer’s animal crackers from Walmart (for like $1.98), get a can of cream cheese frosting, and let your taste-buds do the talking. So good. And good is quite the understatement. This snack helped me through many all-nighters in college…and all-nighters with the babies.

2) Graham Crackers & cream cheese frosting Another good alternative, especially when you make a cream cheese frosting and graham cracker sandwich. yum. o.

3) A big spoon with cream cheese frosting Sometimes there is no time for scrambling. Grab can. Grab spoon. Go for it.

4) Golden Oreos I would love to say I can stop myself at just a few…or even a row. But sadly I can not. These are one of my favorite and every time I think about cutting out sugar I will say “but what about my golden oreos??” And then when they came out with Double-Stuffed? Forget about it.

5) Fruity Pebbles A throw-back to my childhood. This was before all the studies and reports linked excessive sugar to child-hood obesity. Back then our parents knew it probably wasn’t good for us and we knew it too but we wanted it so we nagged and we begged and we pleaded until that colorful box made it’s way into mom’s shopping cart. One of my favorite after school snacks and still one of my favorite cereals (and ice-cream toppings as well) still.

6) White Chocolate Covered Pretzels Flipz or homemade, this mixes salty and sweet beautifully. When Sam’s started carrying the big box of them, I’m pretty sure I skipped up to checkout with that bad boy and made sure our club membership stayed current. Love these.

7) Pumpkin Pie Blizzard This is a seasonal item at Dairy Queen, which I understand but I also think is a travesty since this blizzard is a.maz.ing. Dairy Queen softserve flavored with pumpkin pie spice blended with chunks of shortbread “crusts”…I’m salivating. Truly. So if you haven’t tried it you must!! So get your calendar. Flip to the month of October. Write in really big letter “GET PUMPKIN PIE BLIZZARD!!” & then stamp “URGENT!” underneath. *nodding* you’ll thank me later.

8) Rice Krispie Treats Who doesn’t love them, really??

9) PopTarts Breakfast, Second Breakfast, Lunch, Snack, Dinner, Night Cap - there is always a good time for a poptart. Lumme some poptarts - I even made a pie showcasing it. Frosted strawberry is my favorite, apple cinnamon a close second.

10) Vanilla cupcakes with Buttercream Frosting Easy-peasy. I have yet to be faced with these while I’ve started my journey but I know if I do I will walk away either sobbing silently to myself or shaking from the desire to pound a few dozen. oh. mama.

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.” Matthew 13:44

Today at our church, one of our speakers introduced a passage of scripture I had never read before. I’m finding that the more I study scripture and get comfortable doing so (it’s really hard for me. I’m not dumb, I just have a lot of trouble with reading comprehension), the passages I grew up reading (and reading and reading and reading) have lost their meaning, so to speak. So when my eyes fall on a new passage and one that seems to leap from the page, smack me in the face and then dive straight into my heart, I am truly delighted. Truly.

The passage came from Revelation 2: 4-7 and the question that was presented in this passage was “Why have you turned from your first love?” And then followed up with an even more bold “…remember how far He has brought you.” The speaker led us through a couple exercises as we mediated on this passage and when he asked us to spend a few moments remembering when we accepted Christ into our hearts, it began to hit home. He asked us to remember what that felt like. Remember the burden that had been lifted. Remember what we did after we accepted him. My eyes were shut so tightly but the images, the feelings, even the sounds of that time in my life kept coming. A sick feeling resided in my gut as I realized how much I had forgotten. How much I had and continue to take for granted. How much I had forsaken.

The truth is I do love Jesus. With everything I am and everything I have. Or at least, I want to love him with everything. I want Jesus to be my treasure in a field. I want to forsake everything else and in joy, not because I have to but because I get to, sell everything I have to buy it. I am in this season of my life where the Lord is calling me to die to myself over and over and the more he asks the more I want to stomp my foot and shout “Enough! Enough already!” I want to start my business (did I ever tell you I started a business. It’s so great…I hope to share it with you soon), I want to simplify my life so I have more time to myself to persue personal things, I want organize and compartmentalize my life so things will be easier. I want to do all these things for me, not because I am entirely selfish but because I don’t know what it’s like to be self-less. And the Lord is graciously teaching me how to be that way and gently asking me to lay those things down and return to him. Life has gotten so busy and couple that with the ways I have been broken and bruised along the way and I begin to realize that I have forsaken my first love.

I don’t know what to do at this point except keep asking him to increase my joy, to continue bringing me back to his side. The best part of this deal is there is no condemnation. I return to him and let him gently heal the places that sin has torn. I can not guarantee that I will never forsake him again, but all I know right now is I want Jesus. I want him to be my treasure so badly, no matter the cost. I want Jesus and I want to go get him in joy. It’s just some days I don’t know how.

My mother in law was in town this weekend to help out with the monkies while hubby was away. This meant a little more free time to myself and I got to tackle not only my inbox but also my feed reader (which I knocked out completely on Sunday, went back to check on it today and am yet again waaaaaaay behind. Blergh.) But while sifting through literally hundreds of updated feeds I found some little gems along the way that made my back straighten and my eyes perk up just a little bit more. So here ya go: Top Ten Pretty-To-Me Links.

1) Vintage Paper Parade I just love this etsy shop. Super simple but super cute stationery - I can not narrow down which is my favorite, love it all! (and Pepper Design Blog is doing a giveaway so head on over to score some adorable and f-r-e-e goods)

2) Red & Teal Wedding While perusing the archives of one of my favorite photography blogs, I found this little gem and it blew me away. I would love to say I have the cahoonah’s to do such a bright color scheme for my wedding but isn’t it gorgeous?! And the cake, did you see the cake? OhMyGoshIJustLoveIt. LOVE. IT. *swoon* *drool* *sigh*

3) Best Easter Baskets Easter is one of my favorite holidays but sometimes the “cutesyness” of it overwhelms me. However, I am always a sucker for a beautifully designed and executed Easter basket. My favorite? The dyed Easter basket. So incredibly simple but so lovely.

4) Beautiful Cherry Blossom Cookies Aren’t these cookies amazing?? I don’t think I could bring myself to eat one! Wait, who are we kidding - of course I could. But I would take tons of pictures first.

5) DIY Ruffles and Lace Tank Top Sewing can be such a fussy process, one that irritates and bores me but I think I will blow the dust off of my sewing machine to make one of these - pink puffy *heart* this.

6) Only the best cake ever Today. (cuz we all know I will change my mind when I find another one tomorrow) but still, so stunning (Brandi, I think you should have this cake for Bug’s 2nd birthday party. Just a thought *wink*).

7) Macaron pops Love me some macarons. Love me some lolli’s. Love me some Bakerella.

8) Shauna Younge I am a huge Amy Atlas fan and love seeing what her genius-mind comes up with but I found another pro in the dessert bar field and I can’t get enough of her stuff either! Her “LOVE” dessert table knocked my socks off - so sweet and I am totally digging the silhouette’s.

9) Pentunia Pickle Bottom Cosmopolitan Carryall I mean, the name is just fabulous on it’s own (Petunia…so lovely). But then the description makes my eyelids flutter “Sapphire blue and Ocean Mist vintage inspired floral European cut velvet with coordinating sapphire blue wool tweed and sapphire blue water resistant lining” What does it all mean? I don’t care. All I know is she takes my breath away.

10) Simple yet Adorable Cuppie Today kicked my butt, especially between the hours of 3pm to 7pm, so to stumble upon this little gem really brought a sense of peace and tranquility to my mind. Is it weird that food does that? No? Good. A little yummy topped with sweetness on a backdrop of happiness. I know it’s weird but I’m 10% auditory, 90% visual so it just happens that way. But man, isn’t it a beauty.

On my list of things to do this week is blog. I’ve got three perfectly good posts sitting in my que yet all I keep thinking is, “Don’t post those. That’s not what you need to post.” So I sit and wait for my muse to come out of the walls and strike me with inspiration. That doesn’t happen either and I hear a little voice saying, “Just share your heart.” I hate that since I didn’t want this blog to be a place where I become even more self-involved or so introspective but maybe this nagging feeling will be go away once I near the end.

So what is on my heart right this second? The biggest thing, namely, is how incredibly flawed I am. And not in the physical way or even in the superficial things of life (even tho those are true). But in a deep way, in my mind, in my soul, in my heart. That I step back and look at myself and think “God, I know your word says you delight in me, but why? Why? I just don’t understand it.”

Truth is, the Lord has been bringing me through an incredibly painful season of life. I feel I am literally being put through the fire and even tho what is being put to death in me needed to die, quite frankly, it is still exposing parts of my heart that seem so black, so decayed that make it hard to breathe sometimes. I’m used to looking at the evil in the world and thinking how despairing and awful it can be. I am not, however, used to seeing it in my own heart.

I think the hardest thing about this refining process, this intense time of spiritual maturity, is what the Lord is going to call me to do when he’s done. This work is intentional, he has spoken that very clearly, and when he is done I will be asked to step out and be used. Then I think and worry and get anxious about how he will use me. I hate to travel. HATE. IT. I have a huge fear of flying, new places, foreign languages, unfamiliar landscapes, just to name a few. A few years ago when I really started living for the Lord, he gave me this image of Conner playing in the dust and dirt of a dry and barren place. He was playing with other children his age, children that were impoverished yet they were laughing and having the time of their lives. This image gave my heart peace but then fear took over as I thought “what is he going to ask of me?” And here I am, as he going to work on me, ripping out parts of my heart that need removing and filling those empty places with his love and mercy I start to worry and ask but what for? What is going to ask of me? And more importantly will I step out and say “Here I am, your servant, send me”? The God of the universe is taking the time to make me who he has created me to be and I’m already worried about what he will ask of me. More flaws.

I don’t understand why me, why now, why any of us, really and then I begin to understand now more than ever when Jesus said that the kingdom of God is at hand. It is here. It is right now. I grew up in the church and was taught to live with your eyes fixed on Heaven. But what God is teaching me is to live like Heaven is here. Love the Lord your God with all your heart (no matter how decayed), with all your mind (mixed motives and all) with all your soul (leaving emotions aside) and with all your strength (to the point of exhaustion), and love your neighbor as yourself. And as you strive for that, he will put you through the fire. One thing he has definitely shown me is when you get serious with him he will get serious with you. He will burn off all the chaff, he will strengthen you in your inner being. He will set you out of the muddy pit and onto the high places so you can see his Glory. I keep reminding myself that it is because God loves me so furiously that he has brought me to this place where I look at myself and am disgusted. He doesn’t delight in how I feel and doesn’t seek to make me hate what I see in myself, but he does delight in the fact that I keep choosing him and trusting in his character. That I keep letting him go there with me as he is perfecting my faith. Richard Foster says we reach this place where we say “I don’t know where God is or what he is doing, but I know he is out to do me good.” He is a good God. There is no wickedness in Him, even tho my heart is riddled with it.

So I sit here, flawed. But only in light to the fact that God is so good and so merciful. To weigh my flawed existence against any other backdrop wouldn’t be so bad. But when I realize that the God of the universe, who made me and loves me and calls me as his own delights in this pitiful mass of matter and selfish desires, yeah…I feel a little humbled. And, well, incredibly flawed.

“To come to the pleasure you have not you must go by a way in which you enjoy not.” St. John of the Cross

*First, a word. This post is not what you’ll typically read here. I’m known for being brutally honest, not only to others but about myself and my struggles and I don’t want to limit that here, even tho this is incredibly nerve wracking. The truth is I feel an obligation to share part of my painful journey for no other reason than to light a candle in the darkness and extend it’s light to anyone who needs it. I’ve decided to split the posts up into parts for easier reading and also so I can gauge how much is appropriate to share at one time. Please say what you must, but be gentle in your words.*

So I mentioned in a post last week about how I’ve been having a rough time battling my depression, yet again. For those of you who have never struggled with this, one thing to know is it’s cyclical nature, coming on for months or even years at a time, vanishing briefly only to return again. You never come out of it thinking you’re glad that’s over because you’ll find yourself there again very quickly. For someone who knows what it’s like, you can nod your head in agreement as I describe it as torture. And not like bamboo shoots under your fingernails torture, fast and excruciatingly painful, but more like chinese water torture - it starts out manageable, but then before you know it each little droplet, each little part of life becomes too painful to bear. I think the worst part is not when you’re plummeting to it’s depths or stuck right smack dab in the middle of it, but at the beginning when you feel it coming like the helpless victim tied to the train track in one of those silent movies. And as the train comes rushing forth you squirm and you scream and you try with every ounce of life in you to make it stop but it just keeps coming and inevitably strikes and brings complete destruction.

Last January I was graduated from counseling. That was such a huge moment for me since it was the first time in my adult life I felt confident enough that not only had I dealt with a majority of my problems, but I could face them head-on if they decided to return. In addition to counseling the Lord had also done some extensive healing in my life. It blows my mind when I look back at how he took the pieces of my broken existence and made them not only whole again, but functional. He removed my chains and led me out of my Egypt, never to be enslaved to that darkness anymore. I was walking in God’s redemptive freedom and I can not remember when I had ever felt that happy. For eight months I lived in this euphoric mindset and drank in every second. When you finally realize you have been released of a burden you were never intended to bear, the effects are profound. Maybe I should put some testimonials on here of those who were in the trenches with me to attest to how the Lord radically changed my life.

Then around September that nagging feeling began. I felt…off. Something too familiar, something I knew all too well was getting too comfortable in my everyday life. Having tasted freedom and feeling that security slipping from my hands I got so scared and began to run from it. And when I couldn’t run I began to dig and bury and push it down. I would shake my head and mutter in my soul, “No, not again, this can’t be it. It just can’t be. He took it. He told me he did. No. It just can’t be.” With each new day that lost it’s color a little more than the day before I was slipping into that dark abyss that I thought I would never see again.

This time it felt the same and yet so different. There were no feelings of self-deprecation, that was good. There was no self-medicating, no coping mechanism that would cause more destruction than the depression itself, so that was nice. The only word that I can use to describe it in it’s entirety is aloneness. Complete aloneness and desertion. No one knew what I was going through. No one understood. Each person that offered a “hang in there,” or “it’s the wintertime - it’s tough this time of year,” would receive a sympathy nod from me but I would emotionally take a step back because there was yet another person who just couldn’t understand. And then there’s the issue of all of the prayers I cried out to God: “Where are you? Why have you led me back here? I don’t get it! What have I done? ANSWER ME!!!” I felt so alone. It’s one of the most ugly, horrifying feelings. Feeling that no one could hear my words and truly understand the desperation and pain in them. So I pushed it down some more, didn’t give it a voice. Crying out only meant those wails would echo around an empty cavern only to come right back to my mouth to be cried out again and again.

This feeling of being silenced & receiving silence continued for months until two weeks ago I found myself crumpled on my living room floor, alone, crying so heavy I was dry heaving, an ache that went from my gaping and wounded heart to the center of my gut. I couldn’t silence it any longer and I was faced with the painful realization just how deep I am in this.

Here’s the crazy thing tho. After I got it out, after I cried so hard my eyes were so swollen you could only see slits of them, after I called a dear friend just so someone could talk me down from the ledge, I felt like the Lord was satisfied. Not at my neediness. Not at my desperation. Not at the fact that I was out of options and had no where to look but to him. But he was completely and utterly satisfied with my brokenness. And it is not as sadistic as it’s sounds since in that moment for the first time in five long, agonizing and spiritually silent months I felt his peace. Peace. Something I wasn’t sure would ever return to the fullness I had grown so accustomed to. But I welcomed it. I breathed it in. I savored every ounce of it since I didn’t know how long it would last. It would be days later before he spoke to me, very quickly but very profoundly and then close the veil so I would be left alone in my spiritual desert again.

Thanks so much for taking the time to fill out the questions - each one made me laugh or nod my head in agreement at least once. So crazy how we can all be so different & still have much in common! Okay I guess I should take the time to answer my own questions, which was way harder for some of them than coming up with them. So here we go. Top Ten: Getting to know ME!

1) What would you call yourself if you could choose your own name?

I always wanted to be a Megan or Jennifer or Amanda since that’s what all the girls were name & Candace was so different (during a civics discussion of the roots of our names I was the only one who got to stand up & proudly say “Candace was an Ethiopian queen in the book of Acts). True, my mom found it during a bible study & thought it was so pretty. I never really liked it until I got a little older & realized it wasn’t so bad. Besides it’s one the best names for little kids to pronounce: “Kennis! Kennis!” - so cute.

2) What was your worst date?

My first date as a freshman in college with one of the nicest & sweetest guys I’ve ever known, but totally clueless. Started off the date on the wrong foot when I met the girl of the other couple we were double-dating with and before she told me her name she asks smiling & bright-eyed “Do you prefer to be called Candy?” & I choked out “No way, sounds like a hooker.” Hooker was my exact term because I remember the look on her face as I said it since her name was….wait for it….Candace. But she prefers to go by….yeeeaaah. *gulp* Then we went to Applebees & our dates proceeded to tell us the plan for dinner: we order the free-refills chips & dip appetizer to split four-ways. After our incredibly stuffing dinner we headed to a party out in the boonies & drove around for two hours because we were lost. Just me & the hooker, sitting in the backseat, waiting for this night to be over. *Sigh* My boys will hear this story many times of what NOT to do.

3) If you had to teach one subject in high school or college what would it be?

Government or Civics

4) When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?

This happens quite often because I laugh a lot but the last I remember was last week with the boys. Conner has a way of getting Max so wound up & Max has a way of being a total ham. One crazy antic led to another, bodda-bing, bodda-boom mama was in tears. In a good way.

5) What is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you?

Not done but said. A friend, whom I don’t get to visit with often & doesn’t know how many times I struggle to keep my head above water as a wife & mother, told me how blessed my children were to have me. That when the time would come they would rise & call me blessed, like the Proverbs 31 woman. It meant so much to be since I really felt in my heart it was God whispering his hope & promise to me.

6) If money or skill-set was no issue, what would you love to do for a living?

My knee-jerk would be caterer or event planner - shocker, right? - but the truth is I would love to teach high school. But only at a school where I could smack the kids around when they get on my nerves. (What? That’s never allowed? Really? Hmmm…ok, then definitely a caterer.)

7) What is one thing as an adult/parent/spouse you do that you swore you would never do?

I swore I would never get married or have kids. Kind of crapped on that one pretty good!

8) If you could go back to one particular time in your life (not to live, not to change anything, just to visit) when would it be?

Freshman year of college. Loved every minute, every day of it.

9) If your walls could talk, what would they say about you (good & bad)?

That she has good intentions & should probably be medicated

10) If you could fix or put an end to one problem in the world what would it be?

Poverty

If you haven’t done yours yet go here & do it! Now!

So I’m easing back into blogging & so far feeling really good about it! I do feel like I crack my knuckles more at my keyboard than I ever have, not because I’m typing that much but because it helps kill time as I’m debating what to type. Anyways, many of you I know, and obviously you know me but even those that I know I could always know more. And I if you’re like me, when it comes to blogging sometimes you draw a complete blank as to what to blog about. So in honor of Top Ten Tuesday I decided to throw some questions at you to get to know you since you take time out of your day to get to know me. Use this as a springboard to a post of your own, or just answer them here for my own amusement. And if you’re new to my blog & we have never met, please do it anyways - I love meeting new people! You can use the comment section of this post or answer them on your blog & link the post in the comment section so we can all get a little closer. C’mon friends, let’s get a little socially awkward!

Top Ten: Getting to know YOU!

1) What would you call yourself if you could choose your own name?

2) What was your worst date (as in going out on a date, not an actual calendar date…unless you have a really bad one to share)?

3) If you had to teach one subject in high school or college, what would it be?

4) When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?

5) What is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you?

6) If money or skill-set was no issue, what would you love to do for a living?

7) What is one thing as an adult/parent/spouse you do that you swore you would never do?

8) If you could go back to one particular time in your life (not to live, not to change anything, just to visit) when would it be?

9) If your walls could talk, what would they say about you (good & bad)?

10) If you could fix or put an end to one problem in the world what would it be?