“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.” Matthew 13:44
Today at our church, one of our speakers introduced a passage of scripture I had never read before. I’m finding that the more I study scripture and get comfortable doing so (it’s really hard for me. I’m not dumb, I just have a lot of trouble with reading comprehension), the passages I grew up reading (and reading and reading and reading) have lost their meaning, so to speak. So when my eyes fall on a new passage and one that seems to leap from the page, smack me in the face and then dive straight into my heart, I am truly delighted. Truly.
The passage came from Revelation 2: 4-7 and the question that was presented in this passage was “Why have you turned from your first love?” And then followed up with an even more bold “…remember how far He has brought you.” The speaker led us through a couple exercises as we mediated on this passage and when he asked us to spend a few moments remembering when we accepted Christ into our hearts, it began to hit home. He asked us to remember what that felt like. Remember the burden that had been lifted. Remember what we did after we accepted him. My eyes were shut so tightly but the images, the feelings, even the sounds of that time in my life kept coming. A sick feeling resided in my gut as I realized how much I had forgotten. How much I had and continue to take for granted. How much I had forsaken.
The truth is I do love Jesus. With everything I am and everything I have. Or at least, I want to love him with everything. I want Jesus to be my treasure in a field. I want to forsake everything else and in joy, not because I have to but because I get to, sell everything I have to buy it. I am in this season of my life where the Lord is calling me to die to myself over and over and the more he asks the more I want to stomp my foot and shout “Enough! Enough already!” I want to start my business (did I ever tell you I started a business. It’s so great…I hope to share it with you soon), I want to simplify my life so I have more time to myself to persue personal things, I want organize and compartmentalize my life so things will be easier. I want to do all these things for me, not because I am entirely selfish but because I don’t know what it’s like to be self-less. And the Lord is graciously teaching me how to be that way and gently asking me to lay those things down and return to him. Life has gotten so busy and couple that with the ways I have been broken and bruised along the way and I begin to realize that I have forsaken my first love.
I don’t know what to do at this point except keep asking him to increase my joy, to continue bringing me back to his side. The best part of this deal is there is no condemnation. I return to him and let him gently heal the places that sin has torn. I can not guarantee that I will never forsake him again, but all I know right now is I want Jesus. I want him to be my treasure so badly, no matter the cost. I want Jesus and I want to go get him in joy. It’s just some days I don’t know how.
