Twiggie Makes by Candace Grahl

On my list of things to do this week is blog. I’ve got three perfectly good posts sitting in my que yet all I keep thinking is, “Don’t post those. That’s not what you need to post.” So I sit and wait for my muse to come out of the walls and strike me with inspiration. That doesn’t happen either and I hear a little voice saying, “Just share your heart.” I hate that since I didn’t want this blog to be a place where I become even more self-involved or so introspective but maybe this nagging feeling will be go away once I near the end.

So what is on my heart right this second? The biggest thing, namely, is how incredibly flawed I am. And not in the physical way or even in the superficial things of life (even tho those are true). But in a deep way, in my mind, in my soul, in my heart. That I step back and look at myself and think “God, I know your word says you delight in me, but why? Why? I just don’t understand it.”

Truth is, the Lord has been bringing me through an incredibly painful season of life. I feel I am literally being put through the fire and even tho what is being put to death in me needed to die, quite frankly, it is still exposing parts of my heart that seem so black, so decayed that make it hard to breathe sometimes. I’m used to looking at the evil in the world and thinking how despairing and awful it can be. I am not, however, used to seeing it in my own heart.

I think the hardest thing about this refining process, this intense time of spiritual maturity, is what the Lord is going to call me to do when he’s done. This work is intentional, he has spoken that very clearly, and when he is done I will be asked to step out and be used. Then I think and worry and get anxious about how he will use me. I hate to travel. HATE. IT. I have a huge fear of flying, new places, foreign languages, unfamiliar landscapes, just to name a few. A few years ago when I really started living for the Lord, he gave me this image of Conner playing in the dust and dirt of a dry and barren place. He was playing with other children his age, children that were impoverished yet they were laughing and having the time of their lives. This image gave my heart peace but then fear took over as I thought “what is he going to ask of me?” And here I am, as he going to work on me, ripping out parts of my heart that need removing and filling those empty places with his love and mercy I start to worry and ask but what for? What is going to ask of me? And more importantly will I step out and say “Here I am, your servant, send me”? The God of the universe is taking the time to make me who he has created me to be and I’m already worried about what he will ask of me. More flaws.

I don’t understand why me, why now, why any of us, really and then I begin to understand now more than ever when Jesus said that the kingdom of God is at hand. It is here. It is right now. I grew up in the church and was taught to live with your eyes fixed on Heaven. But what God is teaching me is to live like Heaven is here. Love the Lord your God with all your heart (no matter how decayed), with all your mind (mixed motives and all) with all your soul (leaving emotions aside) and with all your strength (to the point of exhaustion), and love your neighbor as yourself. And as you strive for that, he will put you through the fire. One thing he has definitely shown me is when you get serious with him he will get serious with you. He will burn off all the chaff, he will strengthen you in your inner being. He will set you out of the muddy pit and onto the high places so you can see his Glory. I keep reminding myself that it is because God loves me so furiously that he has brought me to this place where I look at myself and am disgusted. He doesn’t delight in how I feel and doesn’t seek to make me hate what I see in myself, but he does delight in the fact that I keep choosing him and trusting in his character. That I keep letting him go there with me as he is perfecting my faith. Richard Foster says we reach this place where we say “I don’t know where God is or what he is doing, but I know he is out to do me good.” He is a good God. There is no wickedness in Him, even tho my heart is riddled with it.

So I sit here, flawed. But only in light to the fact that God is so good and so merciful. To weigh my flawed existence against any other backdrop wouldn’t be so bad. But when I realize that the God of the universe, who made me and loves me and calls me as his own delights in this pitiful mass of matter and selfish desires, yeah…I feel a little humbled. And, well, incredibly flawed.